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Friday, July 18, 2008

Wal Mart Screws Me Again

I'm trying to watch the Daily Show re-run from yesterday that I missed when I passed out in a sugar coma at 8:00 and slept til this morning. The phone rings. It's a guy asking me to participate in his survey. Usually I say no, but sometimes I'll do it, because I know that it's someone's job to take these stupid things and everyone probably says no. I feel sorry for them.
So I said yes, and survey guy said it would be quick and related to grocery shopping. I am exceedingly proud of my ability to find the best food for the least money. I can tell you, off the top of my head, which stores have the cheapest organic milk ( Horizon is 2.99 at hEB, while at Randalls it's 4.59) where the best selection of our favorite salad dressings are( Central Market) and whose bread is the most delicious and fresh( Whole foods) When Jeff has to pick up a few things for us, I write the list in order of what he will encounter in the store so it will be easy for him to find it. I include the prices next to each item with an approximate total at the end. I am a Grocery store expert.
Since Jeff dies a little inside when I talk to him about my triumphs and disappointments at the store, I feel flattered that this nice man was calling me to ask about my preferences. How does he know what a talented shopper I am?
So he begins.
Where do you do most of your shopping?
Whole Foods
Second most?
Central Market.
Third most?

Where do you feel you get the most value for your money?
The least?
The second most?
Central Market.
The third most?

And on he goes. Best? Least? Second Best? Third best? Fourth least? Worst? Second Worst?
On and on. Value? Brand value? Frozen and canned Foods? Quality? Fresh meats? Fresh Vegetables? Bakery Goods? Best Value? Least Quality? Second Least Quality with the Worst Value? On and On it goes.

"Where do you usually buy your packaged pastries and candy goods?"

" I don't usually buy candy"

Ruby has heard the magic word.

" Kinny! Kinny! Kinny!"

"No Kinny Ruby."

" Mah Kinny Mommy! Mine!" She wails.

" If you did buy candy, where would it be?"

" Um, HEB? Randalls? I don't know."

Ruby is rocking herself back and forth in mourning. "OOOOOH KINNY!"

" What store would be your SECOND choice to buy candy? And third? Where would you be least likely to buy candy?"

"I don't know!"

Ruby tries a different negotiation tactic.

" KEK?" (Cake?)

I begin to get annoyed. And confused by the jargon. I begin to throw out names of stores without really comprehending what the hell he's asking me. Have you ever said a word over and over until it loses it's meaning? Value and Quality are dead to me now.

"Is this almost over? You're killing me with this."

" yes mamm just a few more questions. "

The Daily Show is over.

I consider hanging up. But he sounds so nice and we're almost done, right? Jesus.

Ruby has moved to the other room. It's too quiet.

As I turn the corner in search of her the man asks, out of the blue--

" How would you rate the local Wal Mart Superstore?"

I stop.
I never said anything about the local Wal mart Superstore.

Ruby has taken off her diaper. She is shrieking with delight as she waves her poo diaper in the dogs face. I run after her, frantically wrestling it from her tiny hands. The dog jumps on me like I hold a package of delicious treats.

"What? Did you just say Wal mart? Am I taking a survey from Wal Mart?"

" I'm not allowed to disclose the company that has sponsored the survey."

" I HATE Wal Mart. Are you writing this down? I will never go into Wal Mart again."

" So, you would rate the local Wal Mart Supercenter as poor or very poor?"

"Listen to me. If I were dying, If I was a diabetic going into anaphalactic shock and the only store I could crawl my way to get a shot of life saving insulin was the local Wal Mart Supercenter, I would just die. Right there. In the parking lot. Before I would drag my dying body into Wal Mart. Are you writing this down? Are you?"

"I'm just going to put down 'very poor'. Thank you for your time, I think that will do it."

"you tell those Wal Mart bastards to NEVER call here again."

"Yes mamm we will take you off the list."

"You do that. You take me off the list."

Oh Wal Mart!!! Damn you sneaky Superstore! Once again you have tricked me into wasting minutes of my Valuable Quality time. I only have a short life span of of an unspecified duration! Precious minutes wasted. Like a suitor I have spurned, you seek me out in my very home.

I hate you Wal Mart.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! I can feel your outrage because I would have thrown the phone across the room! And what was up with Cancer Lady? Who are these people who have so much spare time they can ask parents about their child-rearing tactics?