Ruby,to me, as I drive the car-" Mommy, I have a baby sister in my belly"
Me-"Really? That's special. What is she doing?"
Ruby-"She's swimming around like a fish. She loves me."
Ruby, addressing her daycare class- "Look! I got no panties on!"
Me-"Put your dress down Ruby"
Ruby-"Look! My hoo-hoo!"
My dad,who is visiting me, to the teachers at her school-"You'll have to remember that line later, but you'll have wait until you're really drunk to use it."
It takes me about 30 minutes to become fully human in the morning. It's always too early, my mind only capable of repeating one word again and again.
"WRONG WRONG WRONG" it says.
I don't wake up easily, even with a tiny face positioned a centimeter from my heavy eyelids yelling
"MOMMY! IT"S WAKE UP TIME!"
Me-"five more minutes."
"BUT THE BIRDS IS UP!"
"go back to sleep."
"BUT THE TRESS IS UP!"
"mommy needs five minutes."
"I KNOW! YOU BE THE MOMMY LION AND I"LL BE THE BABY LION! GGGGGRRRROOOOOWWWWL!"
When I am able to drag my body out of bed I trip over the dog, who is half jumping, claws punching my solar plexis, needing to go outside or eat or have its being validated or something. The dog pushes me to the door, jumping on my bare feet again and again, while Ruby tugs at my pajama legs, outlining her demands-apple juice, hold her on the couch, yogurt, cereal, ice cream, Spongebob video, play like you are a baby lion. It registers dimly in the back of my brain.
If I manage to escape for a minute, I can hide under the covers of our bed. It takes .05 seconds for Jeff to begin humping me in his sleep, mumbling "Quick! We have time!"
"We do not have time. Go make me some coffee."
"C'mon! Five minutes!"
"I need more sleep! My hoo hoo isnt awake!"
It only takes a minute before I am hunted down again, before i feel a cold wet animal nose in my face or two tiny feet digging into my bladder.
"LETS GO PLAY! YOU BE THE MOMMY RAINBOW AND I"LL BE THE BABY RAINBOW!"
So I get up.
"Just don't drink any unknown substance before you are fully awake." I think to myself each morning "Don't drink bleach water and you're all right."
My dad is visiting this week, sleeping on the couch, so lately after I let the dog out I am faced with two bright eyes above a scraggly grey beard.
"Good Morning beautiful daughter!" he chirps. "Will you take me to Costco?"
He means the south Costco, as we have already visited the north one.
I thought i would hate Costco, given the battles I have been through with other superstores, but I don't. I did feel a weird vertigo staring up at the towers of paper products. It does make me feel tiny, like a toddler, to stand next to huge cans of green beans and plastic bottles of canola oil.I kind of like it though.
"Everything is so Cheap!" I kept exclaiming, to the salespeople, to the old people waiting for the next mini pizza to come out of the sample oven. After my tiny square of pizza was in my hands I sensed movement to my right.
"Dad!" I hissed."Smoothies! Three o'clock!" As we darted over to the next cart dozens of other shoppers raced over to get one of the quickly disappearing paper cups of smoothie. We ran around this way for a while, then it began to get tiresome pushing old ladies out of my way for a free treat, so we wandered around the electronics department for a while. I want one of those tiny laptops that fit in your purse. I don't even like laptops, hate them actually, my fingers don't know how to type on the keyboards so I have to hunt and peck on them and it makes me feel retarded, but I love the idea of a computer in my purse. It makes me feel
a. Grown up
b. Like a Jetson
So we asked a bunch of questions then we split.
Today we'll go to the South one, cause that is what you do when relatives visit you.
"This is what Costco is like down here in the South. Pretty great, no?"
I realised yesterday that I need a card there, so I can begin stockpiling food for the Apocalypse. I do like to be prepared. If my garage was stocked with sofa sized cans of mandarin oranges and tuna, I think I would sleep better at night.
The problem is that I will want to buy packages of skittles the size of body bags, and bales of red lichoriche instead of boring nutritious food. When I am awakened by my family one morning after Armageddon, as I am struggling to ignore the chorus of needs rising up to my ears from the creatures at my knees,I will raise my glass of bleach water absently to my lips as I pour the giant bag of Skittles in to the dogs bowl and think
"I just need five more minutes."
For the love of God, entertain me.
6 hours ago