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Friday, December 11, 2009

Winter Mysteries

Lesbian couple wearing matching hand woven wool headbands.
People who decorate the hood of their car with festive wreaths and/or big velvet ribbons.
Adult women in full Santa Claus pantsuits.

Lately I have been playing a game called "How many times can I drop my cell phone before it stops working?" Quite a few, it turns out. Today I may have lost that game, however.

I also play-

How long can I drive when the "Out of gas" light is blinking?(all the way across town)

How close can I come to spending all of my money without overdrafting?( down to 78. cents once. I am a professional)

How long do I have to pretend to be asleep before Jeff will get up and change the midnight diaper?( 1.5 minutes)

How many times can I prank call Jeff at work before he loses it?( once)

How many empty Starbucks cups can i leave in the car before Jeff says something?(18)

How many My Little Ponies can Ruby leave in the passenger seat before I feel an irresistible urge to pitch them out onto the freeway?( 16 and 1/3)

A third of a pony, by the way, is the tiniest pony in the world. It wears diapers and fits in my hand. Ruby demands that I find it for her at odd moments, in the bathtub for instance.
"Honey, Mommy can't find her driver's licence. I have no idea where Baby Pony is."
"Look in the car," she will say, because she is already more organised than I am.
It's going to be a problem, I can already tell. Yesterday I took her to see my friend Cece, who is lounging at my same level of chaos and squalor. Cece's house is what mine would look like if I didn't have Jeff and Ruby harassing me all the time to be neat.
"It stinks in here!" Ruby called out when she walked through Cece's front door." You need to clean your garage sale!" She gestured, pointing at Cece's crap littering the floor.
"Honey, it's not a garage sale, it's just her house."
Great. Isn't that the way it always is? Daughters are like their fathers, sons take after the mother. Awesome. Already she raises her eyebrows at me when we leave the house in the morning.
"When I come back I want to see this house clean!"