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Monday, February 1, 2010

Kitty Business

Is anyone else bothered by how small Bill Paxton's teeth are? We were watching Big Love last night and I kept getting distracted by his tiny, baby milk teeth. I hate him.

I am jealous of women who are not white because they can fix their daughter's hair all crazy. The black mamas have it the best, of course, their children's hair can be fashioned into tiny wonderlands, they can form crazy puffballs and twirls and loop de loops. Even the Mexican and Indian children at Ruby's school have more compelling hairdos. I tried to put a simple barrette in her pigtail this morning and it slid through like water by the time we got to school.No amount of product can help her.
I think those mamas show off like this on purpose, just to taunt me. Bitches.

I sold my dresses at a show this weekend.
Hey-ladies!
A list of What Not To Say To An Artist At A Show-

"Wow! I could make that!"

"Where do you get your materials?.....No, I mean, where, exactly? I want to make that."

"I know the price tag says 225 but will you take 20 for it? You don't have to get violent, I'm just asking."

"I would never wear that." to which the ferret eyed friend replies-"SHhhh! She's right there!"

I know I have said this before, but the world is lucky I am not a gun owner.

It was a good show, though. A "little person" bought one of my favorite "expensive" dresses, in the child's size. It must be hard to find evening gowns in her size, I was thrilled to be a part of that.
The best part of doing what I do is that people will trade with you, so you get to shop without spending money. Also great is that whenever a new item of clothing appears in my closet, and Jeff asks where it came from, I have an excuse.
"Hey, when did you get that? We're too broke for you to go shoppi-"
"Trade." End of conversation.
Also watching Big Love, Jeff was jealous of Bill Paxton's control over his wives.
"Why can't I ever say that?" he asked."Get in the house, Margene.' You would stab me if I tried that."
"Become a Mormon.You'd get to boss me around, even after death."

"It's so appealing."he sighed loudly. Poor Jeff.

Things to Do While You are Waiting for Literary Agents to Get Back to You-

Age
Paint one wall, get tired and quit(Sorry Jeff!)
Bake Cupcakes, eat, get sick, wait a little while, eat again
Think up pranks to pull on the Religious Right
Kidnap your neighbors cat

This last one, the cat is here right now. It came to visit us, and walked right in the door, so I'm letting it hang out for a while. The dog is going crazy in the backyard but Ruby is thrilled. It was hanging out this morning, it hopped on top of our car before I pulled out of the driveway.
All day long she must have thought about this cat because when she got in the car she said-
"Mommy, that kitty is a strange animal."
Me-"Okay."
"Mommy, we write the kitty a note so he knows he can come back and play with us?"
Me-"Absolutely."
But we didn't have to, it came to the door as soon as we got home. I fed it tuna, so it will know we are suckers and come back.
As I stroked it's back, I asked the cat-
"If I stop checking my email every ten minutes will one of these agents write me back? Will they kitty? Will they?" Because maybe the cat is magic. I am becoming so neurotic about waiting for these people to correspond with me, it occurred to me that maybe one of them died, got hit by a car, and it was visiting me in cat form. I'm not crazy, I don't think I am the only one the agent cat visited, but maybe he was a very thorough person, didn't like to leave business undone. I respected that.Maybe the agent couldn't ascend to a higher plane until it tied up all the loose ends left from its life. maybe my book was so compelling it had the power to bring back the dead.
(The best thing about writing a memoir about going crazy is that you don't have to pretend to be all business-y and appropriate and not-crazy. Everyone already knows better.)

"Did you like my book, kitty?" I crooned as I scratched behind its ears,"How about the ending? Yeah, I'm not so sure either."
But, in classic agent style, the cat wasn't forthcoming. His look could have been "It meandered. I lost interest." or "I loved it, call Oprah." Once again, I was confused.
Even though he wasn't talking, I gave him extra treats, just in case.

3 comments:

  1. I hate Big Love. And you're right about Bill Paxton's teeth. It's unfortunate.
    I like the pranks on the religious right idea. Nothing that could get you arrested, maybe just call some churches known for gay bashing & ask about their abortion services.
    Also, here's a link about the supernatural nature of kitties:
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100202/od_nm/us_books_cat

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  2. I have the same envy about non-caucasian toddler hair. The Mexican ladies at Tillie's daycare do her hair for me. I can't tell if it is just a fun class activity, or if it is part of a charitable cause aimed to help white ladies like me. They use these tiny little hairbands that can stick to even silky and thin whispy hair, like T's. I bought a pack of 200. They make her hair slightly more interesting than it would be limp, though not full of cool curly-cues and puff balls. I hope my son's hair will have more potential at least.

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  3. If I come back, I wouldn't want to be a cat, but a well-fed house-lounging dog like my big lab Nixon. Then I wouldn't get asked questions like you ask your neighbor cat.
    When we went to a mostly black church in town, the kids were much younger. Nicki at age 5, with her fine & thin hair, wanted to "fit in". So I did my best & she entered the service with 5 braids coming out in different directions. (I propped them with toothpicks). The ladies at church were so sweet to her making encouraging comments at our pitiful attempt.

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