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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I can't smell you

Today I-
saw a man get into a shouting match with some migrant workers, giving them the finger from a minivan with the words "Dragon's lair" emblazoned across the back.

sprayed myself in the face with perfume. Which was fine because I haven't been able to smell anything in two weeks due to "Cedar fever" a horrible affliction God visits on people who live in Austin.
"Ha,Ha," says God."Fuck you Texas."
"But God, we are liberal, we aren't really Texas! Spare us!"
"Doesn't matter" he replies "My trees will spray all of you with poison burning nose plague. Enjoy."

In addition to thinking about how weird it feels to literally not be able to smell ANYTHING, I have also thought about these things-

What happens if you take a double dose of sudafed?(nothing)
Why is there a LOT of dog hair in my kitchen sink?(still a mystery)
Which burns faster in the fireplace-milk carton or prescription bottle?(milk carton)
Which looks cooler?(milk carton)
Which one stinks?(both)
Are there hidden Socialist messages in Me-How-Kai-Lain?(yes)
What is Cous Cous?
How come Tyra is so awesome?
Can the dog read my mind?(Clearly not, I realised, or it would stop jumping up on me every day-a behaviour that makes me hate it)
How did those kids get so fat?( Another mystery)

I usually just don't write if I have nothing to say, but my friend is pregnant and bitchy and she demanded this blog be posted. A note to my friend- your baby will not be as smart as mine. Don't even dream it, because it's not going to happen. You may as well call it Not-Ruby. I hope, for it's sake, that it is cute.

Ten minutes after I posted this a new question popped into my mind- Is my friend's unborn fetus a wizard?
Because after I insulted it, I turned to see white smoke billowing from the fireplace, discovering as my nose puffed closed, two things-
The fireplace became clogged as I was writing
The sticks I got from my neighbors yard were cedar.
I am sorry, fetus. Do not curse me any further with your anger.You will (probably) be very smart as long as your mom lays off the meth pipe from now on.
Unclog my fireplace now.