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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Einstein

In the last month I have-
lost three house keys
left the house with water boiling, only to realise it all the way across town
left the house with the oven on
thought I left the house with the oven on, called our unemployed friend to go over there and turn it off "It wasn't on," he called to say "But you left the door unlocked."
Lost my ipod
lost my camera for three weeks
Lost my glasses, each and every day, finding them after about an hour
Lost my bankcard, my new drivers licence, my health insurance card and five hundred dollars


I am closer to losing my mind than I have ever been before. It began last month.
I had to make this call. If you are married then you know how much I didn't want to make it, spent hours looking before I did.
"Um, Jeff? I kind of...lostfourhundreddollars."
"What?" he asked, already annoyed.
"I am pretty sure that I lost four hundred dollars."
"How did you do that?"
"I don't know."
And that's the thing-I don't. I withdrew 325 dollars in cash from the teller and 400 from the cash machine outside.
"Why didn't you just get it all from the teller?" asked Jeff.
"Because my drivers licence is expired, I thought he might not look at it closely if it wasn't a large amount." I answered.
"Then why not just get it all from the machine."
"There is a limit on how much you can take out each day."
"You have interesting logic." He is already confused.
I had to get cash because I'd forgotten to pay daycare until after the fifth, "If you bring it in cash I can waive the 70 dollar late fee"-she said. Our Daycare boss lady in charge is the most benevolent Indian woman you can imagine, which makes it worse when she shakes her head in sorrow when I forget to bring Ruby's matcover, or brush her hair, or bring her in two hours late dressed inappropriately.
Cluck,cluck cluck, she makes this sound with her mouth, and a sad face.
After getting all that cash I thought, I am very likely to lose this money. So I folded it up, tucked it in the envelope and stashed it deep in the inside pocket of my purse.
I went home. My purse sat in the living room all night. The next morning I walked into Ruby's school and handed the envelope to Ms. Cluck Cluck.
"There is only 325 here."she said.
"No way." I couldn't believe it. I counted it with her, baffled.
I could not stop thinking about this mystery.What the fuck had happened to that four hundred dollars?
"I think there is a ghost in the house." I told Jeff.
"It doesn't make any sense," he said, after spending an hour with me going over my every move from bank to home to school.
I told my friend.
"The daycare lady took it."
"Nope. It's not possible. You don't know this woman.Her hobbies are healing lepers and rescuing kittens."
So, the mystery remained unsolved.
Then, I noticed that our spoons and forks were disappearing.
My ipod was gone.
One day I brought home a pair of white fur booties, a gift for my friends newborn.They sat snugly in the inside pocket of my purse all night. In the morning there was one on the floor.
"Hmmmm."
It has still not shown up, by the way, the missing shoe. I just have to say that, it riles me so.
I began to assume we had a little thief in the house when I found my phone in her toybox.
"Ruby, where would you put money?" I asked her. She just shrugged.
"Ruby, i will give you some chocolate if you can find the little white baby shoe"
"Maybe you should check your butt." She collapsed in giggles.
"this is not funny. Where is my ipod?"
She wasn't telling, and no evidence could be found.
At least i had a small clue, so I relaxed a bit.
Yesterday, while Ruby was at school, my friend Susie gave me a hundred dollar bill.
"Meet me in the parking lot of that bike place," so I did, we parked catty corner to each other and I hopped out, drug deal style, to get the cash. I put it in my pocket, with my bankcard and a CD( its a big pocket)
Susie was giving me a hundred dollars because she had needed to charge something online and there was no money in her account.
"I can't get cash out, I don't have an ID." we will call each other with these problems, knowing that we will find a sympathetic ear.
"I have to pay this bill but my checks won't clear for another couple of days."
"I'm overdrawn, can't tell the husband, loan me 35 dollars."
"I lost my housekey."

I went home.
A few hours later I went to look for the money, planning on going to the store.
Gone.
CD-gone.
Debit card-Gone.
What the fuck?
I have no memory of anything past slipping the hundred into my pocket.
It just blanks out.
I remember working out a difficult writing problem in my head all day as I sewed and cleaned.
The CD,the bankcard,the money has all gone the way of the ipod and the missing white shoe. This time, I can't even blame Ruby.
"I really do think we have a ghost." I called Jeff.
"What did you do?"
"Einstein couldn't tie his shoes." I offer.
"You are not Einstein."
"I'm just saying, he lost money all the time. And he was a cheater, where as I am faithful. You are so lucky."
"What did you do? Does this have something to do with Susie?" He is trying to sound calm.
I told him, and when he got home we turned the house upside down.
"Maybe I have a brain tumor." I offered.
"You need systems."
"Maybe someone is opening the door and taking things out of my purse, like a transient."
"You'd hear the dog barking, even in the back of the house."
"GOD DAMN IT" I was frustrated.
He sighed.
"It's okay Einstein." he hugged me."You are just retarded. Quit losing money dumbass."
"It's the ghost!"
So today, because my drivers licence is expired by two years, I have to go to get it renewed, only then can I go to the bank,withdraw money to ship several fantastically late custom orders, get a new debit card, etc. which will take the bulk of the day. Presuming I don't lose something else along the way. If I do, I can always call Susie.