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Friday, March 12, 2010

The best way to convince your husband to let you go to North Korea is to pretend to be hankering for another baby. It was working, until I began to try it on other things.
"I really want to have another baby," I told him.
"No you don't--come on you were a horrible, evil pregnant woman. I thought for sure that something terrible was in there-like a Kraken or that zombie baby from dawn of the Dead."
"I was wonderful! In all the pictures I look so happy!"
He shook his head.
"You don't remember. You were demonic." He began to get nervous, as I held our friends babies and smiled up at him.
"Just smell his little head! Isn't he wonderful? let's do it again!"
He backed away, then, slowly out of the room to go drown his sorrows in a Ping Pong game.
"But maybe I could be happy if I just bought these shoes from Anthropologie."

Mouse Trap

Jeff reminded me last night about a condition that wrestlers get called "cauliflower ear" It sounds pretty but it's horrifying. If you crush the cartilage in your ear, for example rolling over it while you are pinned under your opponent, it will fill up with fluid like an empanada.If you can't figure out a way to drain it, or you aren't quick enough fixing it, the fluid will harden and your ear will shrivel and twist into something that looks a lot like a cauliflower.Remember the ears of the developmentally challenged giant brother of the bad guys in "Goonies"?(This is what my brain hangs onto-not the location of my car keys or my PIN numbers, but that guys ears)
I used to take jiu jitsu, to prepare for the Apocalypse, and since I was the only girl I got nominated to drain one of my classmate's ears. I was handed a syringe, which I had to poke into the balloon of fluid and then suction out. Except that ear skin is really thick and hard so I had to stab the needle in as hard as i could. I missed a few times, but Cauliflower Ear Guy used to be a cop, so he just grunted. Then I drained the ear, and what came out was clear, tinged with pink. Rather pretty, really.
There's no point to that story.
I would totally do that again, for a small fee, so contact me if you get cauliflower ear.
Last night I was in the bath with Ruby and she asked me about the mouse in my hoo-hoo.
"Where is it?" she cocked her head to the side and stared at my crotch.
"There is no mouse in my hoohoo Ruby." I told her. She thinks that because once she glimpsed me getting dressed, tampon string hanging out.
"What's in mommy's hoo hoo?" she asked Jeff, who happened to be passing by.
"A little mouse lives up there, that's his tail."
"Oh," she said, then I thought she forgot about it.
Not so.
This morning when she ran into the front door of her school she yelled,"Mommy has a mouse-"
"Hey now!" I interrupted. "Nope." and exited the building as quickly as possible.
God knows what the daycare workers think of me.
"Does she ever even brush her hair?" I imagine them saying."Last week I swear to God she sent her in a nightgown."
"I think that was her nightgown. it said 'Victoria's Secret' on the label."
"She told me that she had chocolate cake for breakfast every day last week."
I imagine them shaking their heads as they brush Ruby's hair for me every day. Her hair always does look good after school, and really, for 725 a month there should be some perks, like cute hairdos administered by the school.
"I wonder if she really does have a mouse in her hoo hoo." I imagine they said this morning.
"I wouldn't be surprised."