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Monday, March 29, 2010

Gorilla Munch

Okay-I am retarded and put the wrong link to my new craft blog on the last post. Too many Flintstones vitamins WILL get you high, apparently.The new blog has the story of when a transvestite jizzed in my store that one time and tips for etsy like "Don't be a bitch"
It is-www.craftybitchesunite.blogspot.com. Apparently I wrote craftybitchesunite.com, which is already a very similarly themed website by really organized people. My little thing will stay up until they threaten to sue me, which could be any day now, so check it out while you can.


Ruby stayed home from school today after she projectile vomited in the car. Now, instead of cigarette smoke,fake fir tree and that piece of cheese that I keep looking at and for some reason can't bring myself to pick up and throw away-the car smells like regurgitated apple sauce. That may not sound as bad as it is,really. I would remind you Apple scented vomit is still vomit.
She threw up so much this morning I began to wonder if she had some kind of early toddler bulimia.
"I guess I should stop comparing her figure to those Bratz dolls," I thought. Look, it's not my fault that she can't take a joke. If I told you that your butt looked too big in your pull ups you'd know that I was joking. All jokes aside, if she does have a problem I want to nip it in the bud now. We put her on Atkins last year and it really worked. Plus it was so cute the way she begged for "Carb-ies" at night.
I start to go crazy like a trapped animal when she stays home from school. Right around the nine hundred and thirty third time she says "Mommy" ten times in a row while grabbing my dress I begin to feel like I would do ANYTHING to get out of the house.
I would do-
a walrus
a job interview
an elaborate cleaning job
public service for the republican party
volunteer work with teenagers
a jig
anything anything to make it stop.
Then Jeff came home and took her for a walk, which I could have done at any time today but the park makes me die a little inside. I will not go to the park. I will give her all the cookies she wants and lollipops for breakfast, as long as she throws it up later.
I just realised that I spent the day marketing on Plus size fashion websites for this big dress giveaway(scroll down) so maybe the bulimia jokes aren't really coming at the appropriate time. I could take it down, but I am COUNTING ON EVERYONE'S AWESOME SENSE OF HUMOR.
Ruby is home now, finally able to eat some cereal-the box of said cereal has a gorilla winking at you-it is called "Gorilla Munch". I can't help thinking dirty thoughts about Gorilla Munch. Is it just me?
Marketers for hippie cereal companies, consider these European cereal names--
Ostrich Crunch
Peanut Butter Wankies
I dropped the bottom out of that Girl
That last one is real. Look it up.