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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Girl's Weekend

I am getting away this weekend. There may have been another time I have done this (I am sure that Jeff will remind me if it has happened before) but I can't remember leaving without the toddler for TWO WHOLE DAYS. It's really three days and two nights of freedom. If you live in Austin-you may wonder what all the wailing and mourning is that will be heard all over the city from Friday to Sunday. That would be Ruby-screaming because she wants the white gum, you asshole, not the green gum. Or, it might be Jeff, crying out to me in a voice loud enough to wake the whole city to come home and deal with our mutual nightmare of three and a half years. Or it could be the dog, wailing because all hell has broken loose in the house and it hasn't gotten fed in three days.
the point is-I don't give a fuck. Three days.
I will be in my new swimsuit relaxing by the pool with ten women I don't know and one that I just met a few months ago-my Jesus friend, who is always praying for my shit.
"I need to make some sales on etsy this week," I tell her.
"I will pray for you," she says.
"Awesome." I say, and then the sales come-Jesus is good at sales, yall. He is a closer.
Right after I wiped my face with a pee towel today I called to ask her about Girl's Weekend.
"I gotta get the fuck outta here," I told her."I just wiped my face with a dried urine towel. People shouldn't have to live this way."
"Come as early as you want," she said.
"I have to wait until 8 or 9 cause I have to meet up with all the gay people who write for the Austin Chronicle." I told her.(Soon, I will be writing a sex column about straight sex for the gays. Jeff is not happy-will I mine our sex life for good stories when I can't think of anything on my own? You bet your ass I will.)
"Show up whenever," she said."Just be prepared to walk into a room full of very fucked up women."
"I like fucked up women." I told her.
"You know-I mean-drunk."
"I know what you meant."
"I know you don't drink wine, " she said."But drop your shit at least ten minutes before you walk in so you'll be at our same level."
"I'll hit the meth pipe when I turn off I-35." I said."Don't worry."
So-there will be Jesus, there will be drunken revelry,a pool, and if anyone throws a tantrum out there I'm going to kick them in the pussy because I plan on relaxing, not speaking in low tones during a time out, sewing any more fucking prom dresses or wiping my face in anyone's urine for at least three days. At about 7:45 I'm going to stop the car and smash my cell phone against the asphalt until it dies.
Good Luck Jeff!