I did not have a Thyroid Storm. I did get really, really sick and sleep 22 hours a day for five days straight. Yesterday I felt better so I logged onto Match.com because my subscription is expiring and I needed more Crazy Looking Profile Pics for a folder I have in my computer called "Awesome" In addition to the usual-
face tattoos orange prison jumpsuit werewolf corn rows on a white guy Opie The Gun Show-
I also found RENfr1999- dressed as a knight and raising a real sword above his helmet for his "profile pic"
Creepingpanther999 is seated on a bare mattress lying on a cement floor for his "pic" He says- "Hi, My name is Gary and i'm 38 years old. I'm very laid-back and easygoing.I live and share a place with My Uncle. I have no kids and have never been married. Have own car and job." So I wrote- 'Gary, Do you like to travel?' Gary hasn't made it back to the Public Library yet to use the computer. Awaiting response.
Here is a compelling self-description from a bearded young man named SMETIMESBROKE from Louisiana striking an alluring pose on his All Terrain Vehicle--
IM A HARD WORKING MAN THAT HAS NO TIME FOR GAMES, CHEATERS OR LIARS. LOOKING TO MAKE A FRIEND OR SOMETHING MORE. IM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THATS LAID BACK AND DOWN TO EARTH THAT KNOWS HOW TO BE NICE AND LISTEN TO SOMEONES PROBLEMS. I GOT A GREAT JOB AND I LOVE THE OUTDOORS BUT IM NOT A PARTY ANIMAL BUT I LIKE A BEER AND I DONT RUN THE BARS EVERYDAY BUT I DO LIKE TO GO AND SHOOT POOL .
I'm not altering these in any way. Wow. So I wrote- "SMETIMESBROKE -GUESS WHAT? YOUR CAPS LOCK IS ON." Also-guys? Spell check. I am clearly no pro at using it myself but if you've paid 30 dollars and it's for the purpose of finding your Soulmate- take the extra five for presentation.
Some of these bachelors are refreshingly honest. Like Hot6969man- who writes-
I am a people pleaser, I like doing things for others, I am Selfness, and will put others needss above my own, I am very sexual and looking for the same (however I currently do not have anyone to be sexual with...:( I am looking for someone who is Passionate, affectionate, loves to cuddleSomeone who Loves to Travel and loves have sex with her man... I would love to find someone who works hard and apprciates a Hard working Guy. I am Down to earth and well rounded but also very lonely I am generally attracted to girls younger than me, but only because I do not look my age, or so I am told... and I tent to be a kid at heart a lot of the time...
Then there was SERVNT4CHRISTGOD- He is smiling in exactly *none* of his photos. He doesn't say-but I am certain his job is either Executioner's Assistant (Raymond-you fashion the next noose. I'm going for a coffee break) or Student Loan Collections. He says -
I serve and fear God. I hate trouble. I have strict family values. I admire a lady who knows how to respect me. I hate untideness. I am meticuluos by nature and I want same in a woman. I love very soft women. I need a hard working woman that can keep her home at the same time.
Actually that sounds like me. We might be compatible. With my background in fashion I could probably tie a noose that is both aesthetically pleasing and effective. Form AND function.
But the man who wins Most Eligible Bachelor #1 for June is STRONGMUSLIMHUSBND. His tag line says- "I am an active & hot man with strong relationship.I like my friends.I think to select my friend.I live in seconds."
Then at the top Match.com helpfully points out that we are "both into swimming and politics"
SMH says- I AM LOOKING FOR A BIG CHANGE IN THE WORLD.I THINK TO WORLD PEACE,UNIQUE WORLD.FOR SAVING THE EARTH WE MUST DEMOCRATIZED ALL THE WORLD.BECAUSE OF HUGE UMBALANCING IN THE WORLDS EARTH IS DESTROYING.THE ICES ARE DISSAPEARING.TEMPERATURE IS INCREASING BECAUSE HUMANRIGHTS DOES NOT EXSIST AND ON THE OTHER HAND GOD CREATED THE WORLD ON THE HUMAN RIGHTS BASIS.IT IS OUR DUTY TO IMPROVE HUMAN KNOWLEDGE FOR KNOWING HIS RIGHTS FOR SAVING THE EARTH.I AM WRITNG A BOOK ABOUT MY LIFE THAT IS RELATED TO THIS MATTER .BECAUSE I HADNOT MY PRIMILARY RIGHTS.I WANT TO PUBLIC IT IN WESTERN COUNTRIES,THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE RESPONSIBLE...
I'm also writing a book about my life. That's at least three things we have in common. My first thought was-"Does he have a good agent?" then- "I wonder if he would refer me to his Strong Muslim Literary Agent?"
Honorable mention goes to HOMEFAMILY4U999-
"To put it frankly, I am a Mormon seeking an eternal companion."
Whoa there Cowboy. How about just meeting for a drink? Oh, right. I forgot.
Sunny Haralson was born in a house of ill repute. After acing the first grade, she ran away to join the circus. At night, while the elephants slept, she learned how to spin and sew from the spiders. She made whimsical creations for the trapeze artists, who needed their outfits to be both beautiful and comfortable. Magpies brought her shiny objects to embellish the costumes with, if they sometimes accidentally brought an eyeball they'd plucked from some unfortunate, she forgave them and quietly popped it into her mouth. The circus, for all it glorious adventure, was often low on dietary protein.
When she tired of circus life she retired and set out alone to the desert in a stolen hot air balloon.
It's there, in a tiny FEMA trailer, that she writes her tell-all memoir. She steals ideas from the coyotes and writes them down with needles made from the giant cactus that guards her doorway. The UPS man never sees her face.