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Thursday, May 19, 2011

"I don't know what I think until I write it down."

That title is a quote from Joan Didion. She made herself write every day-even the weeks after her husband suddenly dropped dead. Then she published an honest and touching book about it that might have helped other people deal with life. Or not.
I like her.

Woke up to this text today from the Boob Grabber-

"Hey I'm gonna pass on getting together again. I think you're awesome but from what I read on your blog you're serial dating and I'm looking for something more serious. And by the way-it's Josh? The attorney? The funny one? Yep, I'm that one."

1. I forget that people read my blog.
2. I forget that a lot of people get REALLY SENSITIVE when you write about them-even when it's a joke.
3. I forget that men are much, much more touchy and emotional than women. It's hard to remember because they don't show it."I've never cried," they say."Even when my mom died. What are feelings? Pass the pork rinds." Grunt.
But when they are drunk or alone they sob while they are watching 'Will and Grace"
And apparently the men really don't think it's funny when you make fun of your dinner date with them on a public website.

Joan Didion was a reporter before she wrote books.She once said-

"My only advantage as a reporter is that I am so physically small, so temperamentally unobtrustive, and so neurotically inarticulate that people tend to forget that my presence runs counter to their best interests. And it always does. That is one last thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out."

I haven't seen Boob Grabber since our unfortunate Boob Grabbing Incident. But it was nice of him to let me know he wouldn't be availing me of his breast fondling services anymore. I was worried about that.

Serial-dater. What does that mean? Sounds like serial killer. Which I'm going to take as a compliment-who is more "exciting" and "unpredictable" than a serial killer? Full of surprises. He's really saying I'm like Amelie who might stab you in the face.Could be accurate.
Either way- huge compliment.

Also makes me think of Cereal-dating.
"I'm going out with Cap'n Crunch tonight," I said."But I'm hooking up with Count Chocula after that."

Doesn't everyone serial date until they find "The One"? And if you aren't really looking for "The One" then what else are you going to do? Watch "Law and Order"?

I go back and forth--cause I already said I was going to date my house in the last post and take a break from the dates-which have begun to seem like a giant waste of time.
After all-I could be reading. The stack of History books is piling up. And I'm starting to forget my particle physics again.
And my house gets jealous.

I could be talking to Bob about how much he likes to travel or learning about the Alexander the Great.

But I'm sure I will go back to it eventually.

Because I can't just read all the time and I have seen all the "Law and Orders" on that marathon they had a few weeks ago.
God I missed TV.

So-what's this post about?

Men are really widdle bitty crybabies deep on the inside and our job is to reach in there and help those emotions claw their way out to the surface, hold their feelings gently in our hands -- then squeeze their hearts really tight the way you want to do but resist doing when you are holding a tiny, fluffy baby chick until there is nothing left of them but a dry husk incapable of ever opening up to another woman again.

I'm going to give Count Chocula a booty call tonight.
I went out for dinner with Toucan Sam but he wanted a blowjob and all I was comfortable with was an HJ. So Pushy. All he wanted to talk about was cereal.

My friend has three little boys-all under the age of four.
"You are so lucky you have girls," she told me. "Boys are so sensitive. They cry at every little thing, they cling to me, they're afraid of every thing. It's ridiculous."

So-at some point- society beats that out of them.
"Man up" says Society "Grow a pair Sad-Sack"

They stop showing their feelings but I think that might just make it more intense under there. Like a pressure cooker with no escape valve for the steam to be let out every once in a while.
That's why they have all those heart attacks. But we already knew that.

So-even though they all want to tell you what to drink, what not to drink, how to dress, what to cook, how to cut the vegetables,

Don't wear those pants

Your feet look like shovels, get a pedicure

Don't open the radiator when the car is still running

Don't forget to pay the electric bill and let it get turned off like last time

Don't smoke

Don't eat sugar

Don't go out with other men when I am out of town on business


My God shut up already

it's really hard to tune them out

unless you turn up "Law and Order" to the highest volume setting.

Even though all men will try like Hell to be the boss of you-

You can't give them one tiny little criticism or they will go home and cry big,fat teardrops until they dehydrate themselves into a coma, only waking up when one of their buddies realizes they are missing, comes over and pours beer down their throat until they are "okay" again.

"Come on man" says the friend "You can make it. Here,Sip a little more of this Budweiser. A woman told me I needed a haircut last week" He gently wipes the mans forehead with a cool washcloth "I know what it's like. You will get through this!"


  1. Love Joan Didion - the rest of that post hurt feelings I didn't even know I had. Kidding! Great stuff.

  2. Are you sure you want to date? Cuz I gotta tell you, its ben twenty years now and my hubby apparently still thinks I need a daddy telling me what to do...I don't think men change...their programming is determined when they grow a penis.....