"I think I am finally tired of men." I told my friend Cece.
"No way. But you're so good at dating! What a waste!"
"I know, right? But it's starting to become tedious." I said."Besides I have TV now"
"What about that doctor?" she asked." You liked him."
"He dropped off the face of the earth."
"I think it was because I said I might want to get married again someday."
She shook her head.
"You know better."
"I know!" I was frustrated."But CLEARLY I didn't mean him! I don't even know him!Is he retarded?"
"Yes." Cece is wise. "Yes, they all are."
Attention single men! Not every woman wants to marry you. Yes, I know, you're a real catch. Every precious one of you, bless your hearts. But not every woman wants to elope after a few dates, start curtailing your "guy" activities and man freedoms, cut her hair short and start a family. Get over yourself. Please.
Jesus why are you all so sensitive? When I go out on a date I feel like I have to compulsively mention that I NEVER want to get married again or have a boyfriend just to put their anxieties at ease.
It's the same thing when you see a baby. Babies are cute. So are puppies. I may coo over one but that doesn't mean I ever, ever want to have another one. The child I have is quite enough, thank you.
But you can't even LOOK at a baby when you are with a man. I almost feel like I have to be vehemently anti-baby.
"Where did all these fucking kids come from?" I want to say at the park."Jesus, keep them at home. Haven't these people ever heard of birth control? I want to get my tubes tied and travel, man."
But I don't. There is no reason for pretense.
There are a lot of men in this world.
I told Cece about writing in my blog again now that I am not looking for a job anymore. She wondered about potential dates reading what I write.
"But aren't you afraid they'll read it and then think you're high strung and neurotic?" Cece asked me."I mean-isn't it smart to save those stories for-I don't know-the honeymoon?"
"No. because I AM high strung and neurotic. And it weeds out the simple minded."
I made a deal with myself once when I was young and depressed-almost suicidal. I will agree to move through the bullshit of life without giving up again-
but I get to be me. No matter who I am with or where I am. It's going to be good enough-even if I fuck up or make an ass out of myself. This is all you get-this one chance-to be what you are.
My Granny Pearl once gave me some advice about dating. I was about ten. I was crying because the boy I liked, Jason Beetles, ripped up my love letter in front of his friends.
"Shit, Baby Girl," she took a long pull from her can of Budweiser."Men are everywhere. They're like buses. If you miss one another one comes along in ten minutes."
So I'm going to go put on a big white dress and go outside to wait for the bus. Because I'm not getting any younger. I have to start having those babies RIGHT NOW.