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Friday, May 20, 2011

I am Hitler reincarnated and my phone is becoming self-aware.

The miracle of text messaging has failed me. Several that were sent to me never made it into my inbox. Sort of important communications -critical, really. In that by not getting these messages I got mad at someone and behaved like a lunatic.

Then you say-"I never got those messages." And people think you are making it up because saying you never got an email or a text sounds a little too convenient.

Also-and this is really terrible-my phone has been dialing the last person I texted on it's own. Somehow the phone knows EXACTLY the wrong person to receive 8 phone calls in a row at midnight. It's never my Mom, or Coco-I am already stalking them. We talk all day. They would think its funny.
No-it's always someone I barely know. Sometimes my phone will call someone and their answering machine picks up. It records long minutes of private conversations that I would rather not share-always with the absolute last person I would want listening to them.

"How does it know?" I think "And why does it do that to me? Is it like Ruby-I am not showing it enough attention so it's acting out?"

We all know that is impossible. I am constantly holding in my hand so it won't grow up to be neurotic like those Romanian babies who lay in their orphanage cribs all day never being picked up and held.
Maybe my phone is just an asshole. Or it's jealous, trying to sabotage any other relationships that might threaten our bond.

I think it's becoming self-aware, like the SkyNet computer in my favorite movie Terminator 2, and communicating with my computer-which has been acting weird-sullenly refusing to go to certain sites but not others. I tried to turn it off and it wouldn't cooperate, like a toddler refusing to nap. I had to unplug it from the wall. It didn't want to die. Just like SkyNet.

"I thought yesterday that you weren't getting some of mine" said Trixie, when I called to tell her about my what we now call 'The Extremely Unfortunate Incident'
"I thought that either they weren't going through or you were ignoring me."

We went back over the texts in my phone, matching it up with the ones in her message history and sure enough some were missing.

"GOD DAMN IT!" I yelled."Why does this shit only happen to me?"

"Remember when that guy you were dating had your blood type tested? Hitler? Maybe reincarnation isn't bullshit and it means you actually were Hitler in your last lifetime."

"No." I shook my head."If that were true then Jewish people would all be mean to me, without knowing why. And The Chosen People love me. We drink Manoschevitz."

I wonder what Hitler would do with a phone who kept betraying him, revealing his secrets,failing to deliver critical communications.
If I really am Hitler reincarnated I would send my phone (and my computer-cause he was paranoid-like all Type A's) to the camps.

But I won't do that.
Everyone needs unconditional love and understanding-even when they act out.
Even if my phone is turning into The Terminator.

Don't Lay Your Eggs in My Torso Bitch

Dear World- This blog post is now part of my new book so I took it down because I don't want to be a jerk and ruin it for you-
you're welcome
a preview of this awesomeness that includes a bunch of illustrations I drew all by myself
is available to download for 99 cents on Amazon by clicking here-
Beauty Tips for the Bereaved
Or you can go "like" our facebook page and read the preview for free by clicking here-

This book is not a memoir.
It's a Survival Guide.
If you woke up this morning wondering if you can make it through the day
this book will be the little paper cup of water popping up unexpectedly by the side of the road.
If you are thinking to yourself-"My life is so much more fucked than anyone else I know."
this book will show you how to dig through the wreckage and find something priceless.
If you are doing just fine, thank you, but need something to read on that long flight next week-
I will make you laugh
(even if you don't want to)
and make you cry
(sometimes that feels good too)
but I promise to give you something beautiful.
(Not to give anything away but it has a happy ending. It's currently unfolding right now.)
Because here is the thing no one tells you-
when you lose everything,
when you think you have nothing left to offer that anyone will value-
you can give the world your truth.
Dear World,
Here is my love letter to you.
Here is my story.