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Friday, May 27, 2011

Fuck you HEB

Dear World- This blog post is now part of my new book so I took it down because I don't want to be a jerk and ruin it for you-

you're welcome

a preview of this awesomeness that includes a bunch of illustrations I drew all by myself

is available to download for 99 cents on Amazon by clicking here-

Beauty Tips for the Bereaved

Or you can go "like" our facebook page and read the preview for free by clicking here-


This book is not a memoir.

It's a Survival Guide.

If you woke up this morning wondering if you can make it through the day

this book will be the little paper cup of water popping up unexpectedly by the side of the road.

If you are thinking to yourself-"My life is so much more fucked than anyone else I know."

this book will show you how to dig through the wreckage and find something priceless.

If you are doing just fine, thank you, but need something to read on that long flight next week-

I will make you laugh

(even if you don't want to)

and make you cry

(sometimes that feels good too)

but I promise to give you something beautiful.

(Not to give anything away but it has a happy ending. It's currently unfolding right now.)

Because here is the thing no one tells you-

when you lose everything,

when you think you have nothing left to offer that anyone will value-

you can give the world your truth.

Dear World,

Here is my love letter to you.

Here is my story.


So What?

" I think I'm having kidney failure." I told my friend Trixie last night. "My back hurts."
"Maybe that will go away once your little "Drinking Month" bullshit is over." she said.
"No. That's your liver." Don't malign National Alcoholic Month.
" Maybe it's because you sit at the computer all Goddamn day writing that blog." Daisy said as she refilled my wine glass.
We were sitting on my porch last night celebrating what is called "Family Dinner"-an event that happens every Wednesday at my house. There are regulars, but it's an open invitation so anyone could show up. Which is nice, because everyone loves a spontaneous plan. And if too many people come we just run up to the store and get more food.
The best part of Family Dinner is the equation only parents know-which is that every additional child that is in your house decreases the attention you must give your own child by ten percent. So-instead of Ruby forcing all the adults in the house to come play dollies with her like she does when she is the only kid at the party-she becomes part of the pack of children running in and out of the house like wild dogs. Which means more time for the grown ups to sit on the porch and gossip. Or counsel each other out of obsessive hypochondria. Or force the married women to analyze the single girls text messages from boys we like.
We only do that when the men don't come. When men are at Family dinner we act normal and talk about politics.
Last night just Daisy and Trixie showed up with their children.
So did another girl. Who I'm not writing about because she asked me not to-
because even though I will spill all of my secrets-I have discretion with other people's stories. So now I don't write about her. Which-I am just saying-must really suck for her. Because I am funny.
We made frozen pizza and drank some pink wine that Daisy brought. They didn't have pink wine when I went to Napa, so I thought it would be sweeter-like distillation of cotton candy. Was not. But I drank a glass anyway. It's still May.

The children were in the yard catching fireflies after I kicked them out of the house so the kitten could get a break from a dozen tiny hands mauling and squeezing her all at once.

"My God, it will be a miracle if that cat survives into adulthood." Trixie said, as she uncurled her daughters fingers from the cat's throat.

"Look," I said. "Lots of cats suffer from depression because they have no purpose. Just like retired people. That cat is lucky. It has a job-to buy me several precious hours on Facebook every day."

"That is so wrong." said Daisy. She works at Aveda-so she's against animal testing and forced animal employment.

"You tell me when they tighten up the animal slave labor laws and this cat will start getting minimum wage and fifteen minute smoke breaks every three hours. For now-it serves a purpose."

- By the way, I am not the only one who has hired a house pet to help me out. The Nazis did it too. Since I figured out last week that I am Hitler reincarnated someone sent me this link. No, I won't embed the link. I forgot how. No, don't send me instructions on how to imbed the link. I don't care. Just copy and paste it and shut up.

Also-they were teaching the dogs to talk at Hitler's dog university-called "Animal Talking School". I am not making this up. Don't be so lazy, just copy and paste it.

If the kitten could talk I think it would say-"Please tell the children to let me down so I can hide under the couch or I will scratch the shit out of them on the face."

While we sat on the porch talking about men we like and women we don't like who are bitches the children fought in the yard over beetle distribution. I had to stand up and yell-

"Stop fighting or I will call the police and the beetles will all go to jail! And I will make you go in the house and stare at the wall!"

"Jesus, it's like Lord of the Flies over there." Daisy watched the children whining and trying to grab the bugs out of each others hands.

Suddenly I heard a wail.
"Is that mine?" I asked. It was.
Ruby ran over to me crying.
"LOOK AT MY FOOT!" she yelled.
I looked. Didn't see anything.
She turned it over a little.
"NO! Look at the FUCKING bottom! I have a booboo!"
"Sweetie that's not a nice word." I kissed her booboo and she ran off.

A few minutes later "Naughty by Nature" came on, blasting straight into the yard because I like to make sure my neighbors can hear my music.

Ruby suddenly started booty dancing, singing every word in perfect pitch.

"YOU DOWN WIT O.P.P?" she yelled."YEAH YOU KNOW ME!"

"I thought she was over gansta rap." said Daisy.

"She is. It used to be 'Ludachris this' and 'Ludachris that but now she's into Black Sabbath. You know-the early years."

"Of course." nodded trixie.
And Ruby danced into the yard to catch more fireflies.

So, maybe Juan is right on that one. But he's still a jerk.

How to Stalk A Woman

Ever since my "serial dating" phase is over I am feeling a little bad that-out of all the strangers I met for coffee I never had a real stalker.
Why not me?
I'm totally worth being stalked.

Then I thought-maybe there are lots of men who want to stalk but don't know how. A few of these things have already happened on my dates but no one has really followed through on all of them.

So even though I'm out of the game I will provide some tips as a public service.You're welcome.

How to Effectively Stalk A Woman You've Just Met

1. On the first date bring her a stuffed teddy bear holding a little heart. We all know you're not just going to do this once so stock up on these during the after-Valentines day sale at Walgreens each year. Be prepared.

2.As soon as you can start talking about anal sex. Even before the first kiss-she will be delighted to know that you like it.

3. Before the second date show her how much you like her by lifting her photo off Facebook and making it your profile picture. Then send her a link. Signed "Me"

4. If she doesn't respond to your texts within an hour she could be hurt or dead! It's okay to show up at her house and make sure she's okay. Knock on the bedroom window-especially if it's really late at night. If this appears to make her grumpy don't worry. Just ruffle her hair. She'll get over it the next day when you-

5. Send her a picture of your penis snapped on your cell phone.

6. Surprise her by having a pizza delivered with a little love note inside. Better yet-dress up like the Domino's guy and deliver it yourself. When she opens the door yell-Surprise!

7. Look up her parent's number and call them when you need to talk about your "relationship". They've known her a long time. They can help you understand her. See if her Mom can send you some of her baby pictures so you can start a collage board in your bedroom.

8. If none of these ideas seem to work-don't give up!~ Women are mysterious, unpredictable creatures. Maybe you didn't tell her how much you cared about her and she feels insecure. So, no matter what,


Good luck boys!