I got dis-invited from the "Evite" to my father's memorial service last week.
"What kind of Ass Clown sends and Evite out for a funeral?" Coco asked.
kind of woman who sends an email like this-" I said, clicking on my
laptop and swiveling it so she can read the only communication I have
had from my stepmother since May.
"Max was so hurt
and angry about the fight he and Sunny had three months ago that he gave away
most of the "stuff" he promised her to friends who have actually helped him over the years
and gave the car to his friend Dennis. A friend came and helped me
clean out the apartment today.
Something inside him died when they had that fight. He said he loves
her but didn't ever want to see her again, and didn't want her to have the money he promised her because she hurt him so badly. He never really
recovered from that horrendous trip to Austin, that was when he started to decline.
I will send some of his ashes,
She also signs off sometimes with "Namaste"
"I'm not going to answer any of your frantic calls and let you talk to
your dad on his deathbed but I WILL let other people say goodbye like
his friend Billy, the hobo your Dad bought psychadelic mushrooms from
who lives under the I-5 bridge,
I was giving you a hair cut you only agreed to in order to please your
dying father because he actually thinks we've made up I decided to
ignore the very clear and repeatedly stated instruction you gave me to
only trim your waist length hair an inch and went ahead and cut it just
under your ear before you could say anything. Oops!
No, the last two weren't real emails. But those things did happen. And not only is that kind of "Look at me, I'm so spiritual- even as I'm merrily tiptoeing around trying to hurt people" bullshit annoy me, but she has completely ruined that cool feeling I used to get watching the Dalai Lama say "namaste" as he bows to refugees.
So she sucks, but I knew that already. She had no way of knowing this when she sent that email intending to inflict as much pain as she possibly could-- but it can't hurt me- because
1. My Dad keeps coming back and telling me things( like-that email is bullshit)
2. Me and his old hippie friends have planned our own party for him that includes what he loved the most-someone playing Grateful Dead songs on the acoustic guitar, reefer, and Dr. Pepper.
She is having veggie trays and tepid New Age flute music and telling people to donate to her favorite charity for orphaned animals or something instead of to a college fund for his granddaughter- which is what he told her to do.
He is totally going to come hang out at my funeral and not lame, bullshit one.
She can keep the ipad and family photos because he is always with me.
Then he reminds me that he is infinite now and is totally capable of attending both funerals simultaneously.
But he thinks it's funny because we have the same sense of humor.
And also because we made up before he died- and besides he is here with me now.
Also, I know he is not visiting her because when you have a dead person spirit hanging around you it's impossible to be a total cunt, because they are all like---
"Hey look at that! Everything is so shiny and beautiful and full of love! Wake up! The world is awesome!"
I'm not saying I'm never a cunt anymore, especially when he goes off to run his ghost errands or whatever it is he does when he's not riding shotgun with me.
(It's actually not 'I will always be with you' but more like 'I will sporadically be with you at random times' because no one wants their dead father around all the time. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.)
So even though everything seems just a little shinier now that I believe in an Afterlife and all that, I still find my self thinking-
"Oh no-what is this motherfucker trying to do up here" when someone is stopped sideways blocking traffic on four lanes because they just have to turn right now to get their Oreo flavored "Blizzard"--
instead of laying on the horn or beaming my impatience and hatred at them passive aggressively I just look out the window and breathe it out into the cosmos.
I am also not as upset that my stepmother is trying to make me think I killed my father with pure meanness because-
1. If I was capable of doing that my mother would have dropped dead years ago.
2. Instead of getting money to go back to school my Dad came back and told me how to write the ending of my book-which I would gladly pay 20,000 dollars for.
And to add to my inheritance- for two weeks it was like this-
ME--"Coco! Can I borrow this sweater?"
HER--"No, it's new. You'll spill coffee on it."
ME--"But my Dad just died. You have to."
And now it goes like this-
ME---"Can I borrow these jeans?"
HER- "No, you'll lose them.'
ME--"My Dad says you have to. No-wait-he says you're meant to."
SIGHS---"Here. Ask your dad to find my keys."
ME--"My Dad is not your slave, Coco."
Me and the internet
7 hours ago